Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hot Babe


Monday, September 19, 2005


It's emblematic of my eternal optimism that i chose, for this post, the title Charlotte, instead of bad Charlotte. The later would have connoted incorrigibility for the Punk band Good Charlotte, but they're yet to cross the rubicon.

The name Good Charlotte conjures up fond memories of the band that only recently release hit songs such as "Lifestyles of the rich and the famous", "Hold on", and "Predictable"; the band that was to take over the mantel of punk from Blink 182. A band whose credibility was advanced by the approval of none other than Blink 182's very own Mark!
But what a difference a year makes: The band moved swiftly from berating self involved brats(Lifestyles), to whining about how hard it is to be rich and famous(I just wanna live). Any lingering doubts as to their transition were dispelled by the news that my formerly beloved Joel Madden was dating Hillary "wholesome all American girl" Duff. To date a goody two shoes would have been bad enough but that is hardly the worst of it. He went around pronouncing hyperboles like "she's the greatest singer today,". While she went on a mission to get her fans' approval of the relationship by relentlessly mentioning what a good boyfriend he is! (If "good and wholesome" American disapproved of that child, am sure we'd witness instantaneous internal combustion!) Not content with mollifyinf her funs, the little lady set about winning BF's over as well; at least that's what i thought the "unwholesome" costumes in her "wake up" video were intended for! To help in selling the idea to Joel's funs, the NYTIMES chipped with the assertion "a bit pop, a bit punk". More like "a lotta pop, and no punk". (The Newyork times, ever so objective!) Thus bludgeoned, am ready to submit my approval: Hill and Joel are simply the cutest couple in showbiz.
Now that's settled, anyone want my Good Charlotte collection? I must now set about reconciling with Simple Plan. Guys, "No pads, no helmets, just balls" is brilliant, as is "Simple Plan". I was blind; i'll be yours forever if you'll have me.
All's not lost for GC though. Listen up GC, It's a thin line between pursuing happiness, and flat out self compromise; and if you keep going at this rate, you'll see it in the rear view mirror. But you can still turn things around: Ditch the girl for starters, look for a hardcore chick - Avril and Pink are spoken for, but fifi's still available. Never mind if she may have a boyfriend, get in there and win her over; you can manage that can't you? Write me for steps 3,4,and 5 when your done with one and two. Otherwise you're dead to me,Joel Madden!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Cursory lessons for leaders from Katrina

The American governments's initial flippancy in responding to the Katrina catastrophy and consequent suffering of the victims have been elicited heavy criticism in the past two weeks. Like any good pragmatist, i'll skip right to the lessons this experience offers to budding leaders. The analysis isn't exhaustive; y'all will have to pay a subscription fee for that.

If as a leader you intend on neglecting your some of your people during a tragedy, make sure of the complicity of the unaffected. Failing that, impose a media black out.

In the event that you don't implement step one, weep not, all is not lost. If your people are so unpatriotic as to criticize your inaction, and you find yourself beleagured, don't panic.

cue music Coldplay's "Don't Panic"

Simply prepare to do battle. The strategy is easy as pie.
First,go to the affected are for a first hand look at the devastation. Arrange favourable photo opps, which cast you as a compassionate conservative. Review resulting photos, select most favourable, and distribute widely - Now there's something to counter negative publicity. Remember no publicity is bad publicity as long as it's well managed. This step is unlikely to yield dividends after one try, there repeat as many times as necessary: if the positive spin fails, then the public just might shut up just to escape the overkill.

Clear your schedule for a week - or longer as becomes circumstances - and announce the cancellation of a few high profile meetings. Remember, publicize, publicize, and publicize. It's imperative that people percieve how you are bending over backwards, cancelling meetings with VIPs, to cater to them. This way you become the good guy, and they, if they continue to criticize you, will seem like ingrates.

No recovery plan is complicate without a scape goat, so be sure to fire some one high profile but dispensible in the greater scheme of things.
But most important of all is an obligatory statement of the obvious. It's not for me to pronounce a one fits all statement: circumstances do, afterall vary. I have however found that one can't go wrong with an admission of responsibility.

A Seal and A Klum

Congratulations to Seal and Heidi Klum, regular readers of this blog, on the birth of their baby boy. Best wishes to the happy couple.

Wicked Woman

A new survey by a reputed magazine shows that Angelina Jolie is the principal cause of moral decay and sexual perversion amongst young women. Not content with fantasizing about men, young women are spreading a wider net; and who's to blame? Why, angelina Jolie ofcourse! A survey by playboy found that 57 percent of college girls would get it on with Jolie. She even beat out sex-symbol superstar, Brad Pitt, who only inspired 54 percent women polled to cheat on their boyfriends.
That woman, with her epic breasts, pouty lips, and infinitely long legs...*frown, and shaking of the head in disapproval.
Ofcourse the movies she makes exacerbate the problem. The movie Gia - which i insist on never having watched - for instance, is a case in point. Women are wicked, they ought to be covered up from head to toe, and Angelina is the worst of them: She perverted young boys, and now it's our young women.


I realise that some of you do not, eh, fancy cricket, so this is the last am going to post about England's ashes victory, promise. English delight at the win has been so exuberant that I feel it's necessary to put it in perspective. Below is a picture of the victory party at Trafalgar square. More photos of the parade and party, are available here.

But what was won exactly you may be wondering. Why, this magnificent Trophy ofcourse. Here it is in all its splendour.

No, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight, here it is in context.

Thankfully size isn't everything, - if i say that enough, i just might begin to believe it :-) - Pride is. The Ashes started when Australia beat England, its former ruler, in a match at The Oval in 1882. To symbolize the ``death'' of English cricket, the Sporting Times printed a mock obituary. The wooden bail from the match stumps was burnt and its ashes were taken to Australia. The original urn is permanently housed at Lord's in London. Is all the jubilation begining to make sense? No? Ah, well, your incorrigible!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Musical cue: Stevie wonder's Superstition

Happy defy superstition day to y'all. Yes indeed, there's such a thing! I suppose the premise for it is the idea that superstition is nonsensical and can therefore be discounted. But what if it's not? Nonsensical, that is. There are a lot of things that have no rational explanation but which fit quite well into superstitious construction. The Kamba(Kenyan tribe), for instance, believe that if one's path is crossed by a squirrel, he or she will forget where he or she's headed but will keep on moving anyway. That belief just might be the explanation for the sorry state of the African continent. Then again it just might be that the diabolical colonialists made off with our brains at independence.
cue music: Ricky martin's Living lavida loca(She's into Superstition...)

Eighteen Years, Eighteen years ...... At last

If the title rings a bell, you're an avid music fun: To celebrate England's Ashes win i felt it apt to borrow lyrics from Kanye West's "Gold Digger" and Etta James' "At Last". For after 18 years, my "boys" have at last developed a spin strong enough to stand against the Aussies. Me thinks i may have talent enough of make a go of it as mash up specialist. No? You think not?! Ah well, it was just a thought! But i digress.
What a great day it was English cricket, and for England - The country deserved it. However in keeping with the pattern of the series, it was touch and go throughout the day but bad light and Kevin "formerly a SouthAfrican" Pietersen came to the rescue. I cannot convey the anxiety that assailed my constitution throughout the day. At a point i found it prudent to resign to the possibility of an Aussie win. I consoled myself with the thought that a series draw against the indomitable Aussies was quite an achievement. But that was cold comfort: the dream was so much within grasp that a series draw would have wrought despair. Therefore, i hereby thank those of you who variously invoked the rain and light gods; and the SouthAfrican government whose policies compelled Kevin to change citizenship in the hope to forging an international career.

While on the subject of sports men who change nationality to advance careers, i must make special mention of the Kenyan system, which has facilitated the loss of high class runners to countries like Bahrain... Weep not SouthAfrica, you've got nothing on Kenya; and, atleast your reasons are substantial.
Still on the subject of apostacy, special mention must also be made of John Holden, American-born CSKA Moscow basketball player, who has adopted Russian citizenship in order to play for Russia. Thank you Joh for striking a blow for Russia: I always thought The Hunt for Red October called for a retort. Okay, so it may have been fictitious and all but the Russians couldn't have been indifferent. Furthermore, the fact that the story was fictitious makes Holden's defection sweeter revenge because it actually happened.
Peace out

Monday, September 12, 2005

No pads, no helmets, just balls

I like to think am ballsy - considering that i don't actually have any balls, perhaps gutsy is a better adjective, but what the hell; you get my drift, don't you? - but last thursday, my courage failed; all the protective gear of an american football player wouldn't have made a difference, a bubble(now that i consider it) might have helped.(Jake Gyllenhaal, call me; your experience might be handy next time). I needed to hide away until the initial despair wore off. If you're wondering what it was that had me so disconsolate, shame on you - why, there are only two possible explanations: England lost to N. Ireland in world cup qualifiers, and James Blake lost to Agassi in the 1/4 finals of the Us open. I'll not risk reopening old wounds by discussing those events.
Redemption, however, was not slow in coming: The fifth test of the Ashes commenced on Thursday. Although to call any of tests in this series redeeming is not strictly true: the redemption is only found in hindsight, proceedings have been anything but pleasurable; rapidly changing fortunes of the two sides have ensured that funs have been enthralled in agony - results have remained in the balance to the very last over. Following a horrid start, they were 131-4, on thursday, the england boat was steadied by Andy Strauss and Andy Flintoff. But then England collapsed spectacularly and were all out for 373. To make matters worse, the aussies started out auspiciously reaching 112-0 by the close of the second day. With that i was certain that they's go on to build a massive total and England would have a chase on their hands; i was therefore resigned to the prospect of an English loss and didn't bother to follow the third day's proceedings. So it was that i checked the score on Sunday, expecting the worst but was pleasantly stunned to discover that the aussies had been bowled out for a meage 367 runs thanks to Andy "prospective father of my children" Flintoff and Matthew "unwitting boyfriend" Hoggard! So it that on the final day of the fifth test, England stands poised to win back the ashes after a dry spell of 18 years. England could win today with not so much as an over played: If bad weather prevails. So join me and funs of English Cricket as we pray for miserable weather! And in abscence of that, bad light will do.

While on the subject of balls, i'd like to single out a few people for their ballsiness or lack thereof. (Not a word about my grammar, i'll be grammatically correct when y'all start paying a subscription fee.)
First, The good. Kanye "the man" West - Need i say more?
Roman Abramovich and Jose Mourinho for attending the Ivory Coast VS Cameroon game in Abidjan Sunday before last. It might not seem courageous at all but if we consider that Ivory Coast is an African country in the throes of a civil war, the perspective changes entirely.
The bad. George Bush, for failing to get his ming around the idea that Americans, black or white, ought to be his highest priority; one that should transcend even his predilection for military adventures in Arab lands.
The ugly: Barbara Bush for suggesting that the hurricane worked out well for New Orleans' poor. "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them." she said.
No doubt it's worked put well for them: they may have lost loved ones and everything they own but what's that compared to Texan Hospitality.
Ladies and Gentle men, it appears that the inability to open one's mouth without putting a foot in it is indeed genetic. I shall continue to make observations in a bid to ascertain the notion.
Ciao for now.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Back off Toni Blair, you 2 Chris Martin!

A wise person, i think it was Pablo Picasso, said that inspiration exists but it has to find you working. I haven't posted in a while (evidently), and it's been an uphill stuggle to start again. I came up against a dangerous combination of disillusionment, frustration, and despair. And needless to say, i didn't stand a chance. So how did i get up, you ask. Well, it's thanx to Lord Acton whose words - Learn as much by writing as by reading - continually weigh on my mind. But most of all it's due to guilt, yeah! I thought about what Geoge Elliot would think of the spurning of an opportunity for expression and was certain that she'd be none too impressed. So, no high ideals here, but they'll find me slogging along.
What, you may be wondering, is the cataclysm that wrought despair. You're not?! Ofcourse you're, and if you're not, i'll tell you about it anyway!
In the aftermath of Live 8, i ventured to determine the general opinion with respect to the concerts. Venture is the wrong word to use; it connotes an uncertain outcome, and, if nothing else, i was sure - misguidedly so, but sure nonetheless - of what the consensus would be. If any adjective could sum up my attitude towards the live 8 campaign, it'd be: indignation. Indignation, not at the effort itself but at the necessity of it. Necessity born of famine, disease, and all manner of destitution. Am trying real hard not to start a diatribe about how the responsibility of all these ills lies squarely at African feet. But i digress. So when i sought opinions on the subject of Live8, i was almost certain of unanimous indignation. So i was taken aback to find that a significant number of people - people whom i respect - felt that the campaign was simply another self-serving ploy by the white man. Campaigning against Poverty in Africa the ostensible reason for the concerts, the real reason, wait for it, was free advertising.
Yeah, there are people who'd have us believe that band Coldplay, whose members donate 10% of their earning to charity, and whose album X&Y was number 1 in over 20 countries at the time,were motivately purely by self promotion. To what end, i wonder! So that their album would rocket up to number 0? These horrible white people, always out to make a quick buck at our expense. Back off Chris Martin, African destitution is a unique product, we'll not allow you to exploit it. Don't y'all have enough: technological advances, clean streets, good housing, social services... I could go on, but that would be rubbing salt into an already sore wound. Are those things so inadequate that you want in on the one thing we've got.
While on the subject of white people who profit from our miseries, it's be a shame to leave out Toni Blair. Yes you Mr Blair, look at me while i talk to you! This will hurt, but it's for your own good: We don't want your help. Tell your Ambassadors to back off: Edward Clay, am referring to you and the likes of you. If our "leaders" get rich at our expense, its no concern of yours. You criticize them only because you begrudge them. Don't get me wrong, we hate corruption and depravity but if they're consequence of the actions of our vey own, they're tolerable.