Friday, April 28, 2006

Quoted-made in Africa

Atwiine(brother): J, are there any incumbents, anywhere in the world, who have lost elections?
J: Yes
Atwiine: Examples please!
J: John Major, Jose something - the former spanish Prime Minister, Viktor Yanukovich - you know, the Ukrainian dude- George Bush
Atwiine: George Bush?
J: Yeah, George W's father
Atwiine: Okay! Any Africans?
J: I can't think of any off the top of my head but there must be ..

Asiimwe(sister): Why is it that Africa has only 5 slots in the world cup finals?
J: Eh, because we suck! Our performances don't even justify the 5 slots.
A: Yeah but we're a big continent!
J: That says nothing for our value!
A: Since when does Africa have to measure up to such standards?

Mbabaz(Cousin): Joy, with the Premiership(English premiership) ending on the 7th of May, and the World cup starting on the 9th of JUNE and only the Champion's league final on May the 17 between the two, whatever shall we do with ourselves for the duration of the football-less month!

J: Mbabaz, this is really bothering me, any ideas?
Mbabazi: Would you like an egg?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


It’s a universally accepted fact that women are dangerous; and if you differ then you’re either a woman, a child, or are not part of the universe. Think Eve, Helen of Troy, Lady Macbeth, Jezebel, Delilah, Senator Palmer’s wife, Monica Lewinsky, Cleopatra, Angelina Jolie, and you’ll see what I mean. If you’re taking issue with any of the afore mentioned figures, you’re not keeping your eye on the ball; focus please! Anyway like I was saying, women are trouble, Eve-il even, sometimes momentously but mostly in subtle, unremarkable ways such as the way they laugh, and the provocative clothes they wear, which instigate poor defenceless men to rape and defilement. And which at least cause men to commit adultery in their hearts. That, I learnt from one2one a program I came upon while channel surfing yesterday. On that very astonishing show, one of the hosts went to the streets, accosted a few people and coerced them into admitting that they were sinners. He asked the respondents, among other questions, whether they’d ever lusted after members of the opposite sex. The answer was a unanimous yes; perhaps because none of the people sampled were gay. Our guide through the sordid world of sinners obligingly informed the respondents that they were adulterers; even when the objects of their lust were their “women”, which said something for his sanctimony but much more for his want of women in his life! All this in order to prove that bullying can be an effective means of showing people the error of their ways. Nothing was said of women lusting after men, so ladies knock yourselves out!
Women’s insidious corruption of men is a concern to upstanding people of all societies. But solutions are hard to come by. So yesterday when a caller to the Christian Voice, a talk show on Uganda Television network proposed government intervention to solve the scourge, I was intrigued. It just might work, I thought.
So when I heard that the Iranians were putting 200 extra policemen on the streets of Tehran to enforce Islamic dress code amongst women, I was over-joyed. It warms my heart that not only a good minds applying themselves to the threat posed by women but resources are also being committed to the fight to combat the problem.
As a woman, I am unaware of any perilous powers in my possession but I accept the possibility that I am dangerous. And I’ll take the word of learned people on it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pure Joy

The past couple of weeks have been pretty lousy for Chelskians, and with the losses to Fulham, Middlesborough, the desperate draw at Birmingham, the loss to Barca and the less than convincing wins against Tottenham, Man City, and WBA it's easy to see why. In the media blitz over the conduct of players, the glee over the hiccups, alleged player unrest, and the "impending" dismissal of the special one, there's been little to cheer about in the land of Chelski. In fact some of us, yours truly excepted, have began to doubt that we would live up to half the promise with which we'd started the season.
But even in those dark days, there were those who resisted the tide of anti-hype and in whom common sense prevailed. They were a refuge from the storm of poison columns and commentary. I also commend Simon Greenberg, the Chelski Director of Communications, who stuck it to Russel Fuller of the BBC for viciously insinuating that our Chelsea players are a nuisance and have put the team and the game in disrepute, and all the while hiding beyond the cloak of the reasonable football fan. I've tried, to no avail, to find a record of the interview. So You have to take my word that the interview was a wicked pleasure to listen to. Fuller spoke of Chelsea's "deserved" infamy, then handed Greenberg the opportunity to lay it all on the players. For a minute there i thought he'd take it and run but took the BS and tossed right back atFuller. "Chelsea players," he said, "have been unfairly singled out and vilified for what goes unnoticed when other teams are concerned." Fuller rephrased and elaborated the question but Greenberg didn't badge from his position. Eventually, peeved, he gave up! There's nothing quite as thrilling as witnessing a hypocrite's mask drop! For the record, i actually really like Russell Fuller. It's just he's unconscious hypocrisy that ticks me off!
But i digress. In short, a commanding performance of the calibre we so ruthlessly employed before christmas has long been over due; a performance to lift our sagging spirits and enrapture us. And that is exactly what we got on Sunday; a goal down, and a man less, Chelsea delivered a performance so exhirating, rousing, and polished that its afterglow persists three days later! I won't describe the details of it because you can get those anywhere.

Manchester United gave a good account of themselves too, winning 2-0 against Arsenal. And while some Chelsea fans were disappointed by that result, i can't say i share their view. I have maintained for ages that the gunners, this season, a rubbish; rubbish with the favour of UEFA; how do you suppose they got the easiest draw in the first round of the champions league, a fallen giant in the second, a team that was gifted passage to the next round in the quarters, and the weakest of the last four teams in the semis. So am quite happy that the gunners were exposed for the weak team that they really are. Secondly, Arsene Wenger had the nerve to jest that he would help us win the trophy if he got a request from Roman. Hello Wenger, why don't you help ing your own team! But, it appears the Wenger sans a bribe from chelsea would rather help Man utd win the title. Why else would he rest Henry?
And Alex Ferguson, it seems, is counting on help from all of his friends. But it doesn't really matter, unless he asks as a special favour, all his opponents for the remainder of the premiership to, eh, lose!

Friday, April 07, 2006

They're here!

Opportunity's a bitch, she's elusive most of the time, but when you least expect it, she comes along carrying a flag and she goes begging. Take CNN for instance, always trying so hard to remain relevant, knowledgeable, and enthralling; resolute in its tedious coverage of leadership contests, for example, invariably themed so and so decides. I’ll never quite forget the three hours of the last American election coverage that I watched because I couldn’t sleep: Jeff Greenberg, Larry King and Wolf Blitzer all commendably saying the same things over and over again. I was fascinated by the monotony and was curious to see how long they could keep at it. Eventually I was lulled to sleep by the dullness of it; which was no mean feat considering how restive I was.

CNN, it appears, has a soft spot for covering elections; although the criteria for selection of which election to cover is pretty hazy. So it would not be unreasonable, to assume that it would jump at the opportunity to cover an interesting major election. But such an assumption would be wrong, because as it happens, the network’s fondness is not for elections but for boring events. Why else would it extensively cover the first anniversary of Pope John Paul’s death and ignored the sensational story that is the Italian election? The Italian election is a dream story, sensational enough to put tabloid reports to shame; except it needs no fabrication or embellishment. It could practically write itself: a rich embattled prime minister, a gorgeous missus who so disagrees with her husband that she doesn’t vote for him, and an adversary who associates with baby eaters, and many testicles. See what I mean?
In the first of two presidential debates held two weeks ago, Romano Prodi accused Berlusconi of fostering corruption in government. Mr. In return admitted to increased corruption but denied that he was at fault. The trouble, he said was that Italians are a naturally corrupted people and it was not for him to rein them in but to lead them. Okay so he didn’t say that but such a statement wouldn’t be out of place in this election. What he did say was that Prodi is a front-man for a coalition led by Communists. And to clear up any uncertainty as to what he might have mean, Berlusconi at a rally for his Forza Italia Party elaborated thus:

I have been accused many times of saying communists eat babies. Go and read the black book on communism and you'll find that under Mao's China they didn't eat babies but they boiled them to fertilize the fields.
They say we look to the past too much, but they forget that in the opposition there are three parties who proudly call themselves communists.

And Mr. Berlusconi is not fazed by doubters, who are in fact under cover communists, because he’s got proof:
In the run-up to winning the 2001 election, Berlusconi said: "I can organize a conference in which I will prove communists have really eaten babies and done even worse things."
What is truly astounding is that nobody seems to take this man seriously. So am taking it upon myself to sound the alarm: The communists are here; they’ll take over Italy, then the world.
They are already at the helm in Russia and are currently heading the G8. I read the Russian President’s entitled “The Upcoming G8 Summit in St. Petersburg: Challenges, Opportunities, and Responsibility”, and boy am I afraid. The speech is subtly littered with communist propaganda and which any right thinking person would do well to pay attention to. The Speech is littered with communist rumbings such as:
We have suggested to our partners that we should focus on three serious and pressing issues: global energy security, combating infectious diseases, and education. These three priorities are oriented towards achieving an objective which we hope is clear to all our partners, namely improving the quality of life and living standards of the present and future generations. (the quality of life and living standards of the present and future generations? Hello isn’t that just another way of saying they are going to eat babies?!)
But there’s more:
Today, global energy is an important and true engine of social and economic progress. This is why it directly affects the well-being of billions of people around the globe.
Is Mr. Berlusconi the only one sane enough to see the danger here?
The way most people see it, energy security has mainly to do with the interests of industrially developed countries. It should be kept in mind, however, that almost two billion people in today's world do not enjoy modern-day energy services, while many of them lack access to even electricity. Their access to many benefits and advances of civilization has been virtually blocked.
Be afraid, be very afraid!
So you’ve been warned. Keep your children in sight, and by all means get that bomb shelter going because they are here!
If you don’t take this warning to heart, you’re an a bloody idiot and a masochist

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Dropping Hints

Suppose you're a clever pretty young thing. You see a lovely pair of shoes that you absolutely must have. But you're not prepared to part with your Elizabeths, Benjamins, Mois, Cows or whatever your preffered currency is. What do you do? Do you
a: Rob a bank and buy the shoes
b: Steal the shoes
C: Convince your boyfriend that shopping's a sport. Then go shopping with him for cheaper items. Stare longingly at the desired shoes, and within ear shot of him wistfully say you'd love to have them but they're much too expensive.

If you're indeed clever you'd go with C, it's a win win proposition. You'll get what you want, and your man will delight in his generosity. But why the hell doesn't anybody ever pick up on my hints!!

Why, you may wonder, am I breaking rank with the universal sisterhood by admitting to the principal behind the practice commonly known as Gold Digging! But It is no betrayal to discuss what is common knowledge, is it? Apparently that cat’s out of the bag for so long that even the Catholic church has become intimately acquainted with it.
When Pope John Paul II's childhood home in southern Poland came on the market some time last year, the Roman Catholic church in Krakow, expressed an interest in it but said that the asking price of about a million dollars, about 4 times the market value of a house of that kind, was far too much.

On the eve of the first anniversary of the Pope’s death, the foundation of Ryszard Krauze, a wealthy Polish businessman, bought the house and donated it Friday to Krakow's Archdiocese. The deed was handed to Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz, longtime secretary and friend of the late John Paul, said church spokesman Rev. Robert Necek.
One of the church representatives in turn presented Mr. Krauze with a certificate affirming that he’d earned passage into heaven. Perhaps there's a lesson in this for me!