Saturday, December 31, 2005


Hot sexy mama; that's my mother!

Friday, December 23, 2005


Cue Music: It’s a celebration bitches, grab a drink, grab a glass, and then I grab your ass õõõ…
ordinarily Kanye West’s “Celebration” would be the natural choice for cue music for this post; seeing as am sharing my happy circumstance with you and all.
But since watching Oprah Winfrey’s tete a` tete with the cast of the movie Crash, I have had to rethink such leanings. The discussion was characteristic of acute exchanges on racism. Noteworthy, though, was the dispute about the word Nigger/Nigel: A young Caucasian woman asked whether it is offensive to mentally call someone as nigger – A no-brainer if ever there was one: whoever said intelligence or the lack of it is evidenced in the questions rather than the answers, really was onto something! The presiding psychologist, not - thank goodness - Dr Phil, gave the weighty response that his PhD or whatever, uniquely qualified him to give: no. Miss Winfrey then took issue with the coloured people, people of colour, blacks, African Americans’ – take your pick – gratuitous use of the word nigger/nigga. Miss Winfrey’s objection was on the grounds that the word too emotionally charged to be used so flippantly; as is the word bitches I suppose. Luuda, Chris Bridges, to non-hiphop heads and Don “fantastic” Cheadle, defended the practise as an ordinary way of coping with a word that was an instrument for demeaning; by emasculating it. In what must have been an effort of mammoth proportions, Miss Winfrey suffered the impertinence of their disagreement philosophically. The failure to reach agreement leaves me in a pickle: should I or should I not take offence when my friends call me a bitch? Should I cease to call them bitches? Nobody calls me a nigger but should I for future reference take offence if a friend refers to me as such? Shit, what a conundrum!

But I digress bitches or is it ladies and gentlemen, whatever; the object of this post is to share my joy at my good fortune: my lady lumps have doubled in size, and without surgery. My cup overfloweth not but the change is quite remarkable. And to what is this change attributable, you ask. Why, the old fashioned remedy, of course: sleep, and over-eating. Am happy to report that I have, in the last 5 weeks, moved up from 45kgs to 48kgs.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

From Uganda with love

My 17 year old half sister, Sandra, has the same taste in men as I do: she’s hopelessly infatuated with Sean Paul, Kanye West, and Adam Levine, John Legend; which is kind of a problem because the afore mentioned gentlemen are at the top of my list of potential baby daddies. Now my sister a pretty young thing and am, eh, not so young; which raises the question of how to gain the ascendancy. You’re probably thinking that am getting ahead of myself, my sister is probably the least of obstacles in my quest to have children with the objects of my infatuation. But I’ve given much thought to my goal and all possible impediments to achieving it. And following months of agony at the improbability of my ambition, I had encouragement from a most an unexpected quarter: I read an advertisement in a paper that brought to my attention a “doctor” who just might be the answer to my problems. I’ve taken the liberty of reproducing here, vertibam, the beneficent advert; caring is sharing, aint it? So the ad doesn’t say anything about the doctor’s ability to bring illusions to life but anybody of his ability can surely solve my problems, or yours for that matter. The number is authentic so go ahead and knock yourself out.

Doctor M.T Rafiki
Expert in all types of herbs challenging to defeat all mankind problems where other herbalists have failed.
Specialising mainly in:
1. Lost Lovers coming back
2. Un trusted lovers become trusted
3. Longlasting strong erection
4. Premature ejaculation and even enjoy more than one round
5. Making men’s penises big and strong (Max 3 inch)
6. Women’s wide vaginas become tight
7. Dry women get much fluid
8. Jobs and customer attraction
9. Combating evil spirits
10. Lucky charms In form of ointments
Consultation Fee 5,000 shs only or $3
Call 25678949112
I have struck Adam Levine off the list of potential baby daddies: I played Kanye West’s Heard em say, which features Adam, for my sisters and without fore knowledge, or hesitation she deduced who the featured vocalist was. Such recognition bespeaks true devotion at the sign of which am willing to bow out. I too would have guessed right, of course, but that is neither here nor there, seeing as am obsessed and all.


Imagine you’re the former prime minister of a not so stable oil republic. You hope to regain power by promising stability by cracking down on insurgents, fostering dialogue between parties of differing persuasion and so on. Say the opportunity to embalm your tough talk presents itself but at a time and in a manner so unanticipated that it finds you ill-equipped: you are to address a congregation of one faction but before a single word is uttered, the crowd, armed with knives and guns, becomes rowdy. At the crucial moment your courage fails and in your dismay, you take flight and are caught on camera in the act. How would you recover from such ignominy? Would you
A. Reassure yourself that Life is indeed frightening, only psychopaths aren’t afraid, and that taking flight is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. All who criticise you are therefore psychopaths or cowards whose cowardice hasn’t been publicly tested.
B. Rely on the short memories of the public, and remember that one can survive everything, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. A reputation for cowardice is really much better than one for, say, kindness.
C. Create a positive spin. Aver that because of your fear you’re better able to identify with your people and understand their concerns.
D. Assert fear of assassination as extenuation for your action.

Any of the above will do; there’s something to be said for the each option. Application, however calls for discretion. Citing option D might not be so credible under our hypothetical circumstances. People may ask questions like, eh, if assassination was the intent was it to be achieved by some new technique that involves the use of noise to trigger spontaneous combustion of the target; the crowd was after all armed, did they deem noise to be a more effective weapon than guns? That my peoples is a question that only one man in the world is equipped to answer; Mr Iyad Allawi.
If Mr. Allawi recovers from this minor set back - and I think he will if the Americans so wish it `a la Chalabi - he may find a quandary more confounding than a raucous crowd; Mr. Saddam Hussein. The deposed dictator has metamorphosized into an advocate of democracy. Yesterday during one of his many days in court - a court whose legitimacy is yet to be established, and is therefore, in the meantime, merely a stage for rehearsal - the former dictator loudly denounced the occupation and proclaimed his support for democracy blah, blah, blah; which is all well and good except for the possibility that by democracy, Mr. Hussein means totality.